Kids with Old Parents Say the Darndest Things

I have a six year old. Just yesterday someone told me I have such a cute granddaughter. I had no one but my six year old with me. So I was assumed to be my little girl’s grandma. I did not like this. We are the parents, people!

She was born when I was 42. It was my easiest pregnancy and birth. But parenting is different at this age. I would know. I had a child in my twenties and another one in my thirties. Some things are easier. Being a parent is less nerve wracking because I realize what is important and what is not so crucial in child rearing. I have a house with a big yard, so she plays in the dirt more. But since her sisters are in high school and college she leans on me to be her playmate.

With less energy in the evenings we definitely play more chess and read more books to her, which can’t be bad. Unless we can’t find our reading glasses. Staring down my fifties and my husband already there, raised by older parents, with grown women for siblings, she says some pretty hilarious things. We barely need a television she is so entertaining. Instead of my usual serious content I thought that I would share some of my favorites, in case you need a laugh! Or a reason to have one more kid.

On having middle aged parents

1. “Please let me help you get out all your vitamins and supplements! Its so fun!”
2. “Can we play this game on the floor? I will pull you up when its finished.”
3. Totally frustrated by a piece of technology I dramatically laid my head down on the table and made a wailing noise. She rushed over and said, “Oh mom, do you need me to pray for you? Dear Jesus, please help my mom to act like an adult.”
4. I have premature gray hair, and boy are those grays wiry, little hairs! She was opening a new set of watercolors I bought her. “Hey, it comes with a paintbrush! Oh, Never mind, it’s not a very nice one. It’s all over the place.” She looks up at me, “Kinda like your hair.”
5. “Why do you call your husband Gary?” Umm, that’s his name. And no, you can’t call him that.
6. “This print is kinda small. Pass me your reading glasses.” When I responded that she doesn’t need reading glasses, she fumed, “Why am I the only one here with no reading glasses?”
7. I picked out comfy sandals for our trip to Hawaii. I need comfy shoes. My feet hurt. She said, “Don’t buy them. They look like old lady shoes.” I called in my 17 year old for her opinion, “Meh. They’re kinda oldy lady shoes.” My six year old responds, “Called it.”
8. I accidentally shut her thumb in a freezer case at Aldi and exclaimed, “I am so sorry! I didn’t see your thumb there.” She responds, “I put it there to test if your brain is working. It’s not.”
9. We have to eat healthy at our age. Kids don’t like this. Listening to the Sunday sermon where Pastor Tom is telling a little story about having too many salads, she leans overs and says, “I’m with him about salads. I hope he talks about broccoli next.”

On the perks

1. On hearing that we’d like to travel more, “Dad, will you take me to Lichtenstein?”
2. On office parties: “My mom uses her lawyer powers to get us fancy lunches!”

On listening to your parent’s music

1. Listening to old music with us, singing along to Bob Marley, “I chop the chicken. But he didn’t have his seatbelt on.”
2. Singing along to Nirvana, “Here we are now. We’re potatoes!”
3. Singing along to Joan Jett, “I love rock n roll. Put another dime in the juice box, baby.”
4. On family karaoke night her two top choices are “The Queen of the Night” aria and “Thunderstruck”. I kinda feel like her music education is now complete.

On having adult siblings

1. In conversation with a kid at church: The kid says, “What?! That’s so crazy! Your sister is 20 and you are 5?!” She cracks up, “NO! That would be sooooo crazy! I am 6.”
2. She is crushing on her sister’s high school friends. After making an announcement to the family about which one she is going to marry, she sat the dog down. “You are going to live with Kenny and I when I marry him. Of course, that’s a long time from now. Actually, you may be dead by then.” The dog still looks concerned.
3. After her teen sister got into a car wreck, this teen came home and went into her room to call her friends and tell them all about it. She followed her sister into the room and came out a minute later in a huff. “She says she needs privacy! She was just in a car wreck! She doesn’t know what she needs! Privacy? She needs hugs! That’s what she needs! Hugs! Not privacy!”
4. She is thinking through having another sister in college next year. “I am really concerned about my sister going to college.” So I responded, “Tell me why?” She explains, “She is really short. She will get made fun of. So I think I will go to college with her and kick people who make fun of her.” Good solution.
5. On the phone with her sister who is away at college, “You are my favorite person in the whole world. And its not because you are gone all the time. You are just my favorite person.” College daughter replies, “Aww, you are one of my favorite people, too!” Six year old is sounding a little disgusted now, “People? What do you mean by people?”

And my personal favorite

She was listening to me read the story of St. Patrick: “And he became a bishop.” She mutters, “Well now he can only move diagonally.”