Our relationships with our children are what we treasure as moms. We are fresh off Valentine’s day and on towards Mother’s Day. And we want to have a warm and loving relationship with our tiny and our grown children. We have children in part, in order to experience that very special maternal relationship! Give me a word that describes how you feel about your children!
Now think of your own mother for a moment. Think of a word that describes how you feel about you own mother? Write it down, because we are going to look at that word later. I asked some moms for a word that describes their relationship with their mother. Here are some: Twitch. Fraught. Encouraging. Brief. Complicated. Sisterly. Wonderful. Toxic. Appreciative. Respectful. Abusive. Edifying. Enriching. Unconditional. Ambivalent. Nurturing. Quite a mixed bag of mom adjectives, running the gamut from negative to positive.
What would your children say about their relationship with you? Dare you ask them? There are noticeable gaps between how we feel about your kids and how they feel about us. These gaps are painful. How do we bridge those gaps?
Here’s Edith Schaeffer’s thoughts in The Hidden Art of Homemaking:
You cannot expect to have a close relationship with a teenager who, after all, is still the same person as the two-year-old you stuck crying into bed, the three-year-old you spanked and shoved aside, the four-year-old you wouldn’t listen to, the five-year-old you never shared beauty with, the six-year-old you found boring, or you ‘trained’ never to butt in, but never gave time to make a cosy and beautiful background out of which you could talk to him or her.
She emphasizes to us the ‘reap what you sow’ principle when it comes to parenting. You can’t treat your children the way you are feeling at the moment and expect them to treat you with consistent kindness, love, and patience when they are grown. Of course,we have all put all children to bed in frustration and impatience. Our future relationship with that teen is not ruined. We can be humble enough to ask our children’s forgiving for our shortcomings. Mrs. Schaeffer is talking about a consistent attitude in our parenting that goes unrepentant and unchanged over the years:
. . . [G]reat moments of trust and confidence do not spring out of concrete. They need a long time of being planted, fertilized, weeded, watered, warmed by sun and cared for lovingly before they become mature ‘plants’–plants of understanding communication and loving relationship. If you never have time to enhance moments together by making some preparation for beauty as well as for meeting necessities you are apt to miss altogether the spontaneous response and opening up of the personality which this would bring.
Where can we actively cultivate relationship? We understand the importance of continuing to date each other and have fun as a married couple. We know a regular coffee with a girlfriend maintains that relationship. How does it work for our kids? A friendship with our children is likewise cultivated. It does not happen simply because we birthed them, fed, them, cared for them, even educated them. It happens like any other relationship. There are shared interest, hobbies, experiences. Fortunately, these are built into our family lives! We vacation together, have relatives we visit in common, have dinner together, hopefully, every day. We love the same pets, go to the same church, and hopefully share some family friends in common:
“[C]ommunication takes time. It is also helped by atmosphere, and the atmosphere is helped by the ‘things’ which are arranged with love and with an expression of creativity in a visible form. One of the least time-consuming forms of artistic expression, as well as one of the most effective ways of making a table come alive, is to make an ‘arrangement’ as a centrepiece. There is a ‘togetherness’ at the table which comes into focus when all eyes are drawn to the centre. There is a tendency to talk about the beauty seen there, or at least to be affected by it.
. . . The art of living together, of being a family, is being lost, just as the wealth of the earth is being lost by man’s carelessness in his ignoring the need for conservation of forests, lakes and seas. The ‘conservation’ of family life does not consist of sticking a rose in the middle of the table; it is a deeper thing than that. However . . . one has to start somewhere. And in this need to get back to ‘gracious living,’ to real communication among people living together, it seems to me one place to start could be the meal-time moments, and the careful preparation of the background for conversations at that time.
Schaeffer is saying that her way of prepping meal time to be conversation time was a flower centerpiece. Listen, I am not gonna go cut fresh flowers or even buy them, for my table every week. That’s not her point. The point is, what is a way you can facilitate communication, that very necessary part of relationship? My kids are talkers, so they love those conversation cards. My best friend does high point and low point of the day. We share movies, music, theater, and cooking hobbies together, so I can’t remember a quiet table. Other families are quieter and love to read something to start discussion. Satire news gives us a funny discussion that often leads into a serious one.
God couches His relationship with us in parent-child terminology to help us understand how He feels, and how he operates with us! Many of us came to understand God’s love for us better when we had children of our own. There is a reason we are instructed to refer to the God of the Universe as Father. It is to help us understand how He feels about us! “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1
Our relationship is a trust relationship. Isn’t it painful when our children don’t trust us? We were using our yard for a volleyball game when I was about 6, with my dad and all his friends. So picture my 25 year old athlete dad, probably in his prime. The ball landed on the roof, in the valley between the house and the garage. When it didn’t come back down, my dad told me he’d boost me up on the roof and I could grab it. Sounded fun! I’d never been on a roof before. I was boosted up, grabbed the ball, threw it down. My dad held out his arms and told me to jump down to him. I took one look down and froze like a statue.
My dad tried to coax me down. I refused to move. His friends all tried to talk me down. I wouldn’t budge. It wasn’t until I saw the hurt on my dad’s face, that I didn’t trust him to catch me, that andh I he mentioned that I couldn’t stay up there all night, that I was able to close my eyes and leap.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and so not lean on your own understanding. So easy to say, so hard to do. Now I think of that, when I know the Lord wants me to trust Him, but it looks so far down! I see my dad’s hurt face, and in it my Heavenly Father, stronger than any athletic 25 year old, who promises He will catch me.
Like our Father, we want our children to love each other. My dad was an only child. He was very lonely, so he had eight kids because he never wanted to be lonely again – or any of us to be lonely either. I only saw my dad cry a few times in his life. But at least half of those times were when he caught his kids fighting.
My sister Donna and I got into it once. We are both verbally skilled and can wound with our words. I have no idea what we were arguing about, but my dad sat us down and began to cry. He told us that he would have given anything for a brother or sister and he could NOT understand why, having the very blessing that he always dreamed of, we squandered it and spent our time and energy fighting instead of enjoying and playing together. You can bet it was a good long time before Donna and I got into a fight like that again! It pains us as parents to see our children fighting and arguing.
Just like my dad, God our Father wants His children to love each other. It pains Him to see us being unkind to His children. “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 1 John 4:11
Do your children know that your love for them is unconditional? I remember helping a friend with a yard sale when her teenage son, in his efforts to be honest, but with a really big mouth, talked a customer right out of buying a big ticket item. She was understandably frustrated. Her son had a tendency toward impulsiveness, and did not think much before he spoke. She began to say to him the kind of things that would’ve sprung to any of our minds and many of our lips. The Lord nudged me and I was compelled to lay a hand on her arm and remind her that her relationship with her son was far more valuable that anything you could sell at a garage sale.
Do your children KNOW that your love for them is unconditional? “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39. Do your children KNOW that God’s love for them is unconditional?
Our children have no power to give back to us in the relationship, at least not when they are little. A little bit like what we can actually give to God.
“Every faculty you have, your power of thinking or of moving your limbs from moment to moment, is given you by God. If you devoted every moment of your whole life exclusively to His service you could not give Him anything that was not in a sense His own already. So that when we talk of a man doing anything for God or giving anything to God,
I will tell you what that is really like. It is like a small child going to it’s father and saying, ‘Daddy, give me sixpence to buy you a birthday present.’ Of course, the father does, and he is pleased with the child’s present. It is all very nice and proper, but only an idiot would think that the father is sixpence to the good on the transaction. When a man has made these two discoveries God can really get to work. It is after this that real life begins. The man is awake now.” C. S. Lewis in Mere Christianity.
So what do we do to nurture that relationship in the ways that God nurtures the relationship with us? I attribute a healthy relationship with my adult daughters to a few different things. The first is a constant conversation. God wants us to be in constant conversation with him. This is why he says Pray without ceasing. Its constantly picking up on where we left off.
What do we talk about? I call it a shared subculture. What I mean is reading the same books, enjoying the same music, games, sports. For my girls, the books we read aloud together formed a mutual understanding and basic education in truth, beauty goodness, faith, hope and love. We tried the British candies in National Velvet, we visited the Orchard House where Louisa May Alcott grew up for a vacation, we looked for the Cricket in the subway from A Cricket in Times Square, we quote Pride and Prejudice to each other, we relate certain trees to the Ents from Lord of the Rings. Now they call me Machiavelli when I tell the dog to earn his keep and tell me Aristotle would call it a friendship of utility.
You have to speak the same language as your children. And if you do not create the language, they will fully adopt the language of the culture around them. Yes, you will make them weird this way. But if normal is anxiety, depression, self-medicating with alcohol or drugs to cope w the anx and depress; identity confusion, cutting off relationship with your parents as toxic, because you do not agree with them, living off your parents, jumping from unhappy relationship to unhappy relationship… you get the picture. I’ll take weird.
My husband bonded with his father over hours watching – and discussing sports. We have enjoyed watching – and discussing – lots of movies. We’ve shared a number of Broadway musicals together, we sing it in the car, we do it for family karaoke nights, we compare it to the movie versions. We share favorite board games and card games, great for having discussion about harder things, but keeping it light. Some families share outdoor hobbies together. Some families work on a side business together. But the common theme is to do something together that you enjoy and that leaves room for natural conversation! God gave us a book to read. HE wants you to read it and talk with Him about it. Share a love of that with your kids.
Third, gives them space to grow. As your children prove trustworthy, you have to let out the reigns and give them freedom. You know what your children can handle. This does not mean letting them to go unsafe places with unsafe people. It means do not micromanage their lives in areas where they are doing well. It means asking who was at the event, who is trustworthy, what went on. When I found that my girls were where they said they would be, with whomever they said they’d be with, I gave them freedom.
Faith drove across the country with my youngest sister, as a second driver, in her senior year. Summer drove the highway to reach her dual enrollment classes after she was licensed. Both were scary. She drove a number of times to visit her sister in college while still in high school. Scary again, but built her confidence.
When they feel like they can adult, and they feel like YOU FEEL like they can adult, they have the freedom to move forward toward independence. Sometimes there will be failure and you will have to reel the freedom back in and try again when you see improvement. This requires knowing what they are up to, letting them suffer natural consequences, and asking questions. Lots of good questions. Not statements, not lectures, questions.
DO NOT DO FOR YOUR CHILDREN WHAT THEY CAN DO FOR THEMSELVES. We are going to make mistakes at this. We are good at it when kids are little, but it gets more difficult when they get older and our time slots with them are shorter. When an older child states a problem, they may not want you to solve it for them. Think of how you feel when you want empathy or affirmation, and your husband goes into fix it mode. Don’t do that to your teen! Ask “Are you looking for a suggestion?” Don’t say “If I were you.” You aren’t. Don’t compare them to their siblings or friends PLEASE.
Share your failures with them. Let them know that you understand those horrible, awkward tween years, those early dating years, those school struggles, those body image insecurities. Just share with a hug. They can make the connection that it is eventually okay.
DO not contact teachers for them EVER after middle school, except in extreme circumstances, don’t order for them in restaurants after they can read, don’t make appointments for them in their senior year, and do not speak for them whenever and wherever they can speak for themselves. Force them to call places on the phone and speak to office staff. Give off a You’ve got this attitude.
We learn to be adults by talking with and interacting with adults. We learn to be like Jesus by imitating Him. How did Jesus respond to small children? He asked that they be brought to Him. His conversations and teaching were not too important that the children could not be included, brought to sit on his lap. How do we live that out?
Please start this when they are small by tossing that ipad in the trash. It is not educational, stop fooling yourself. It is a cheap babysitter. No, you will not have nice conversation at a restaurant until you spend 3 or 4 slightly miserable experiences teaching your children how to behave at a restaurant, in a concert hall, in a doctor’s office, and in church. Yes, have things for fidgety hands that will still allow children to engage in conversation: pads of paper and pencils, toy cars, little animal figurines, small books. Restaurants have great toys right on the table for you: sugar packets and little creamers.
If you pacify them and shut them up with electronics, then you will raise teens that pacify themselves on their phones instead of engaging in conversation with you. Family conversations start with babbles and lisps. Relationship means knowing what is on the other person’s mind and heart. Make it your business to know and to shape what is on your children’s heart and mind.
I recently came across two very old pieces of spiritual advice. The first was Martin Luther’s advice on how to grow as a Christian. R. C. Sproul reduced these instructions into a colorful children’s book, The Barber Who Wanted to Pray.
 | The Barber Who Wanted to Pray By R.C. Sproul |
Martin Luther says that the best way to have a vibrant prayer life is to memorize The Lord’s Prayer, The 10 Commandments, and the Apostle’s creed, then use them as prayer models. This works because each of these show us our relationship to God and to each other.
The other advice was John Milton on education. His epic poem, Paradise Lost, is a favorite of mine and possibly the most brilliant work written in the English language. He explains what he considers the best possible education and begins with these words: “I am long since persuaded that to say and do aught worth memory and imitation, no purpose or respect should sooner move us than simply the love of God and of mankind…the end, then, of learning (the purpose) is to repair the ruins of our first parents by regaining to know God aright, and out of that knowledge to love him, to imitate him, to be like him, as we may the nearest, by possessing our souls of true virtue, which, being united to the heavenly grace of faith, makes us highest perfection.” Of Education.
He is saying that the reason we educate at all is to know God, imitate God, and love God. This is the reason we teach our children anything! Hold that up as Milton’s parenting tip. Should we sign little Junior up for soccer – Will it help him to know God, imitate God, or love God? It may give him opportunities he needs to do that. It may surround him with temptation he does not have the character to face. Should little Miss go to that sleepover – Will it help her to know God, Love God, or imitate God? Is overnight too long for her to stand up to peer pressure?
Should we watch a movie? Does it imitate God? Before you think that is an impossible standard, let me share an example of what I mean. I just watched one of the most Christian movies I’ve seen in a long time, Transformers One. Now there is a little robot that likes to call himself something you won’t want 3 year old saying. But if you watch that movie with 7 and up you will find beautiful parallels to the life of Christ to discuss with your kids. There is unrepentant sin that corrupts, there is a self-sacrifice that results in death, and then resurrection by a God figure. If it is not a “Christian” movie on purpose, it is the most Christian kid’s movie I have seen in a long time. Give me Transformers One over Sing! Or Trolls any day! There is an imitation of God in this movie.
I lay before you a feast of truth, beauty, and goodness. It counter-cultural. It may even be a little off putting. Just taste it. Pick one thing and try it out. Now look at the words you put down earlier. Is that the word you want your son or daughter to use to describe you at their highschool graduation. Yes? How did you and your mom get there? Think it through. What needs to change. No? What are you doing differently? Will your actions lead to the results you want? Relationships don’t just happen. They are nurtured and cultivated. You grow girl!
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